How to Listen

I was once a bright young thing

Don’t laugh, we are talking 20 make that 25 years ago

I was a management trainee for a FTSE 100 company
I had a First Class Degree
And I was MBA educated

The world was my oyster

I thought I could conquer everything. I was going to be the next CEO (we called them Chairmen back then, I am going back a while).

On reflection, I was an arrogant little ****.

I used to attend meetings and manage my position by what I said.

It was important to look intelligent at all times. To be insightful and on top of my game. If I didn’t sound clever how was anybody going to know? And — critically — why would anyone promote me?

There is no point getting old if you don’t get wise

Since then I have learnt at least one thing. I don’t know it all. On the whole, I am reasonably aware of what is going on in my head, but in general I have precisely no idea what is going on in anybody else’s.

Most people are like me, only interested in their own opinions. So if you want to think what they think, see what they see and hear what they hear, then the best way to find out is to ask them then shut up and listen.

You never really learn much from hearing yourself talk ~ George Clooney

How do you listen?

20 things to remember

Don’t ask questions if you are angry. People realise you won’t be that interested in their answers
Don’t give advice. People don’t respond well to advice, especially not mine
Don’t try to listen if you are busy, your head is elsewhere
Don’t be judgemental. “What were you thinking!” is not a great question
Do not suggest or correct…
Do not praise or criticise…
And do not control. I’ve slowly discovered that none of the above count as listening
Look at the person you are listening to and not your phone — no really
Every now and again say uh huh to show you haven’t passed out
The advanced “uh huh” technique is to summarise what you have heard
If you summarise, it is wise to ask if your summary is correct
Do help the speaker clarify what they have said
Remember that specifics are far more informative than stereotypes
Be conscious of interruptions and omissions. What is not said is often as important as what is
Do ask about the speaker’s feelings
If you are unsure about what was said, ask. “I was pissed” may not mean what you think
Don’t sympathise, you are trying to understand not mother (ignore this advice if you are their mother)
Don’t replace their story with yours, you already know your story; you want to hear theirs
Remember that you are listening not interrogating, military uniforms and bright lights are best avoided
There is a difference between listening and waiting for your turn to speak ~ Simon Sinek